Isabelle (![[info]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/userinfo.gif){kind=small} reina_isabella) wrote,@ 2007-02-03 15:01:00 |
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| Current location: | my garret |
| Current mood: |  demented |
| Current music: | Lines from My Grandfather's Forehead |
| Entry tags: | crackfic, doctorwho100, dr who, fic, hamlet, tardis, ten/tardis |
(Crack!)Fic: The Comedie of Hamlet, Prince of Denmark
Fic Name: The Comedie of Hamlet, Prince of Denmark
Fandom: Doctor Who
Rating: G
Prompt: #49 - History
Claim: Ten/Tardis
Spoilers: Act 1 of Hamlet. No, really.
Written for the ![[info]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/community.gif){kind=small}
doctorwho_100 challenge. (My chart is here.) Total lunacy, I'm afraid; but as I'm (almost) as much of a fangirl for the Bard as I am for the Doctor, it was only a matter of time before something like this happened ...
***
Barbara -
Would you or some of the other folks at the Shakes. Centre have a look at this and let us know what you think? It's a copy of something we just found in the vaults. The paper & ink have been positively dated to 1598, and the handwriting matches that of the established manuscripts in the collection. It was found with an attached note - also positively dated to 1599, but apparently written in what appears to be blue biro - reading: "Dear Will - Love the new play (and am terribly flattered to have had some small hand in it); but I feel it lacks a certain gravitas. Maybe it's not meant to be a comedy after all? Just a thought ... Oh, and remind me to tell you a fantastic ghost story I heard next time I stop by. Ta! - D. "
It's got the entire staff here in a bit of a state.
See you at the conference in September.
Best,
Dennis
THE COMEDIE OF HAMLET, PRINCE OF DENMARK
Act 1, Scene I. Elsinore. A platform before the castle.
Francisco at his post. Enter to him Bernado
BERNARDO
'Tis now struck twelve; get thee to bed, Francisco.
FRANCISCO
For this relief much thanks: 'tis bitter cold,
And I am sick at heart.
BERNARDO
Have you had quiet guard?
FRANCISCO
Not a mouse stirring.
BERNARDO
Well, good night.
If you do meet Horatio and Marcellus,
The rivals of my watch, bid them make haste.
FRANCISCO
I think I hear them. Stand, ho! Who's there?
Enter Horatio and Marcellus
HORATIO
Friends to this ground.
FRANCISCO
Give you good night.
MARCELLUS
O, farewell, honest soldier.
Exit Francisco
BERNARDO
Welcome, Horatio: welcome, good Marcellus.
MARCELLUS
What, has this thing appear'd again to-night?
BERNARDO
I have seen nothing.
MARCELLUS
Horatio says 'tis but our fantasy,
And will not let belief take hold of him
Touching this dreaded sight, twice seen of us:
Therefore I have entreated him along
With us to watch the minutes of this night;
That if again this apparition come,
He may approve our eyes and speak to it.
HORATIO
Well, sit we down,
And let us hear Bernardo speak of this.
BERNARDO
Last night of all,
When yond same star that's westward from the pole
Had made his course to illume that part of heaven
Where now it burns, Marcellus and myself,
The bell then beating one,--
Enter TARDIS
MARCELLUS
Peace, break thee off; look, where it comes again!
BERNARDO
In the same figure, like an azure cabinet.
MARCELLUS
Thou art a scholar; speak to it, Horatio.
BERNARDO
Looks it not like a casket? mark it, Horatio.
HORATIO
Most like: it harrows me with fear and wonder.
BERNARDO
It would be spoke to.
MARCELLUS
Question it, Horatio.
HORATIO
What art thou that usurp'st this time of night,
Together with that blue and wooden form
Which hovers there twixt sky and earth
Held up by unseen hand? by heaven I charge thee, speak!
MARCELLUS
It is offended.
BERNARDO
See, it stalks away!
HORATIO
Stay! speak, speak! I charge thee, speak!
Exit TARDIS
MARCELLUS
'Tis gone, and will not answer.
BERNARDO
How now, Horatio! you tremble and look pale:
Is not this something more than fantasy?
What think you on't?
HORATIO
Before my God, I might not this believe
Without the sensible and true avouch
Of mine own eyes.
MARCELLUS
Is it not like a credenza made of wood?
HORATIO
As thou art to thyself:
And yet it is not in my ken
That such appointments of furnishing
Should, wailing music ne'er heard by ears of men,
Be poiséd thus upon the icy air.
'Tis strange.
MARCELLUS
Thus twice before, and just at this dead hour,
With shriekings strange hath it flown by our watch.
HORATIO
In what particular thought to work I know not;
But in the gross and scope of my opinion,
This bodes some strange eruption to our state.
BERNARDO
I think it be no other but e'en so:
Well may it sort that this portentous figure
Hovers through our watch; so unlike any thing
That is and has been seen beneath these skies.
HORATIO
A mote it is to trouble the mind's eye.
But soft, behold! lo, where it comes again!
Re-enter TARDIS
I'll cross it, though it blast me. Stay, illusion!
If thou hast any sound, or use of voice,
Speak to me:
If there be any good thing to be done,
That may to thee do ease and grace to me,
Speak to me:
Cock crows
If thou art privy to any ill fate,
Which, happily, foreknowing may avoid, O, speak!
Speak of it: stay, and speak! Stop it, Marcellus.
MARCELLUS
Shall I strike at it with my sword?
HORATIO
Do, if it will not stand.
BERNARDO
'Tis here!
HORATIO
'Tis here!
MARCELLUS
'Tis gone!
Exit TARDIS
We do it wrong, being so majestical,
To offer it the show of violence;
For it is, as the air, invulnerable,
And our vain blows malicious mockery.
BERNARDO
It was about to land to ground, when the cock crew.
HORATIO
But, look, the morn, in russet mantle clad,
Walks o'er the dew of yon high eastward hill:
Break we our watch up; and by my advice,
Let us impart what we have seen to-night
Unto young Hamlet; for, upon my life,
This spirit, dumb to us, will speak to him.
Do you consent we shall acquaint him with it,
As needful in our loves, fitting our duty?
MARCELLUS
Let's do't, I pray; and I this morning know
Where we shall find him most conveniently.
Exeunt
***
Act 1, SCENE IV. The platform.
Enter Hamlet, Horatio, and Marcellus
HAMLET
The air bites shrewdly; it is very cold.
HORATIO
It is a nipping and an eager air.
HAMLET
What hour now?
HORATIO
I think it lacks of twelve.
HAMLET
No, it is struck.
HORATIO
Indeed? I heard it not: then it draws near the season
Wherein the apparition was wont to appear.
Look, my lord, it comes!
Enter TARDIS
HAMLET
Angels and ministers of grace defend us!
Be thy intents wicked or charitable,
Thou comest in such a questionable shape
That I will speak to thee: I'll bid thee land,
Casket, cabinet, box: O, answer me!
Let me not burst in ignorance; but see
Where this cerulean spectre touches to the ground!
Its portals burst open; and the receptacle
Disgorges a figure upon the night. What may this mean,
That thou, illusion, clad in mantle brown
Step thus forth upon these battlements
And fixing me with steady gaze, with cockéd brow,
Seems't to find amusement in this scene.
Say, why is this? wherefore? what should we do?
Doctor beckons Hamlet
HORATIO
He beckons you to go away with him,
As if he some impartment did desire
To you alone.
MARCELLUS
Look, with what courteous action
He waves you to a more removed ground:
But do not go with him.
HAMLET
He will not speak; then I will follow him.
HORATIO
Do not, my lord.
HAMLET
Why, what should be the fear?
He waves me forth again: I'll follow him.
HORATIO
What if he tempt you toward the flood, my lord,
Or to the dreadful summit of the cliff
That beetles o'er his base into the sea,
And there assume some other horrible form,
Which might deprive your sovereignty of reason
And draw you into madness?
DOCTOR
What do you takes't me for? Hamlet, gets't thou cracking.
HAMLET
He waves me still.
Go on; I'll follow thee.
MARCELLUS
You shall not go, my lord.
HAMLET
Hold off your hands.
HORATIO
Be ruled; you shall not go.
HAMLET
My fate cries out; still am I call'd.
Unhand me, gentlemen.
By heaven, I'll make a ghost of him that lets me!
I say, away! Go on; I'll follow thee.
Exeunt Doctor and Hamlet
HORATIO
He waxes desperate with imagination.
MARCELLUS
Something is rotten in the state of Denmark.
HORATIO
Heaven will direct it.
MARCELLUS
Nay, let's follow him.
Exeunt
***
Act 1, SCENE V. Another part of the platform.
Enter Doctor and Hamlet
HAMLET
Where wilt thou lead me? speak; I'll go no further
Until I know how you be called.
DOCTOR
Call me the Doctor.
HAMLET
Gladly, O Physician.
DOCTOR
Nay, just the Doctor will be fine.
I must speak quickly and may not linger here.
HAMLET
Alas, poor spectre! Is the time so short
Wherein you may walk upon the earth?
DOCTOR
Not a bit of it. I'm freezing my tits off
And within yon ship, my tea is getting cold.
Pity me not, but lend thy serious hearing
To what I shall unfold.
HAMLET
Speak; I am bound to hear.
DOCTOR
So art thou to revenge, when thou shalt hear.
HAMLET
What?
DOCTOR
O look, sorry, that was a bit dramatic,
Was it not?
And all this hovering and disappearing
Night after endless night, was not in my intent;
But that the TARDIS did refuse again to shew
The date exact, that I might know correct -
Well, 'tis a long story. Mind you,
I could a tale unfold whose lightest word
Would gobsmack thee, freeze thy young blood,
Make thy two eyes, like stars, start from their spheres,
And each particular hair to stand on end,
Like quills upon the fretful porpentine:
Do you even have porpentines in Denmark?
Never mind. List, list, O, list!
If thou didst ever thy dear father love--
HAMLET
O God!
DOCTOR
What? O yes, if you like. But of thy father:
Revenge his foul and most unnatural murder.
HAMLET
Murder!
DOCTOR
That is what I said.
Murder most foul, as in the best it is;
But this most foul, strange and unnatural.
You're not going to believe this one.
HAMLET
Haste me to know't, that I, with wings as swift
As meditation or the thoughts of love,
May sweep to my revenge.
DOCTOR
Good lad;
But first, know that I advocate not revenge
In general sense. It can make a right mess of things -
Hast thou ever been to Sicily? Well then, that's my point.
But this is such a bloody mess - or anyway, 'tis going to be;
And someone must get the ball rolling, so to speak. Hence:
Here I am. Beside which, thy father was a friend of mine.
Now, Hamlet, hear:
'Tis given out that, sleeping in his orchard,
A serpent stung thy father; but know, thou clever boy,
The serpent that did sting thy father's life
Now wears his crown.
HAMLET
O my prophetic soul! My uncle!
DOCTOR
Got it in one. Ay, that incestuous, that adulterate beast,
Had for some time past
Been having it off with your mum.
It was killing thy father - at least that's what he said
When from time to time I did pop round
For a cup of tea. Ironic, really, shoulds't thou think of it;
When to say it later, he really did kill him ...
But, soft! it's not half freezing out here;
Brief let me be. Sleeping within his orchard one afternoon -
The which must I confess was part my fault,
As we had carouséd rather late the night before,
And had raised a few too many goblets of wine;
But as I was saying to thee,
Upon that secure hour thy uncle stole,
With juice of cursed hebenon in a vial -
Which is a sort of poisonous ferment of leaves of yew,
Called Taxus baccata of the conifers.
Quite clever, really, for it was near to hand;
Not to mention poetic, oft uséd as it is
To decorate the graves of the dead.
Thine uncle might be a right bastard, but he does do it up right
You must admit.
Where was I? Ah, yes.
In the porches of thy father's ears thine uncle did pour
The foul poison; whose effect
Holds such an enmity with blood of man
That swift as quicksilver it courséd through
The natural gates and alleys of the body,
And drop't him like a stone.
Thus was thy father the king, sleeping, by a brother's hand
Of life, of crown, of queen, at once dispatch'd.
O, horrible! O, horrible! most horrible!
Really, truly just absolutely horribly horrible.
If I were thee, I would put up with it not;
Let not the royal bed of Denmark be
A couch for luxury and damned incest,
As it really does make the whole country look bad.
Now fare thee well at once!
The glow-worm shows the matin to be near,
And I can't feel my fingers, it's so bloody cold out here.
Adieu, adieu! Hamlet, remember me.
Exit
HAMLET
O all you host of heaven! O earth! what else?
And shall I couple hell? O, fie! Hold, hold, my heart;
And you, my sinews, grow not instant old,
But bear me stiffly up. Remember thee!
Ay, thou Doctor, while memory holds a seat
In this distracted globe. Remember thee!
Yea, from the table of my memory
I'll wipe away all trivial fond records;
See with the eye of my mind
Naught but thy hovering indigo crate -
And thy commandment all alone shall live
Within the book and volume of my brain,
Unmix'd with baser matter: yes, by heaven!
O most pernicious woman! -
Re-enter Doctor
DOCTOR
Right, sorry, one more thing.
I know you're mad at your mum
For shagging your uncle -
And who wouldn't be, really?
But don't you go killing her over this or anything.
She had nothing to do with murdering your da,
And you know how these things go:
She's got to be feeling pretty rotten about all of it,
Now that he's dead.
Best to leave her alone, then, and just stick to getting back at your uncle,
As he's the real villain in the case.
All right, that's all, I'll be off. Best of luck to you -
Er, to thee. Adieu. And all that.
'Bye!
Exit
HAMLET
O villain, villain, smiling, damned villain!
Meet it is I set it down,
That one may smile, and smile, and be a villain;
At least I'm sure it may be so in Denmark.
So, uncle, there you are. Now to my word;
It is 'Adieu, adieu! remember me.'
I have sworn 't.
